


Five Times Sans Fails to Protect His Baby Brother from Mettaton

by rainbowtourmaline



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Big Brother Sans, Dad Sans, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Protective Sans, Protective Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-26
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-05-03 12:35:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5291060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowtourmaline/pseuds/rainbowtourmaline
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A memory from a past timeline compels Sans to try and stop Papyrus and Mettaton becoming a serious couple, with hilarious results!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Enemy No.1: The SAVE function

**Author's Note:**

> I watched the walkthrough of Undertale last week and I'm in love with this universe. 
> 
> Damn you Toby Fox. 
> 
> And damn you fanartists and fanfic writers for making me fall for these ships and characters too. 
> 
> By the way, there are some sexual references in this fic regarding the ships mentioned but there's nothing graphic/explicit. You just get a very brief and subtle glimpse of the uh, more intimate and sweet aspects of adult relationships. 
> 
> Enjoy my first Undertale fic!

On the surface world Sans still couldn't escape from his memories of the varying timelines that existed in various plains of the universe, no matter how many times he tried to block out those thoughts and be content with what he had now. He could chew on his pillow and sweat through his sleep, perhaps even mutter a 'please stop' or two while unconscious, but he'd receive absolutely _no mercy_ in dreamland. There was one timeline in particular that wouldn't allow him to just be happy with the domestic bliss he had found with Frisk and family and that scenario included his baby brother and the new ruler of the underground, Mettaton.

"Papy darling," Sans recoiled at the sight of the robot in question seductively whispering into Papyrus's ear, who was sat on Mettaton's lap while the new ruler was perched on his big, glittery throne. He hadn't even waited a day after Asgore's death to assert his own glittery aesthetic on the palace. "Do you enjoy being my bodyguard?"

"Why, yes your highness! I mean, your fabulousness!" Papyrus referred to Mettaton by the honorific he preferred to be addressed with. In spite of everything, it made Sans roll his eyes. "It's been an honour serving you!" Sans wanted to explode at the sight of Mettaton's sly, sadistic smirk appearing at the word 'serving.' He'd cry in frustration as he so wanted to jump towards this terrible timeline in order to save his innocent brother Papyrus, but before he could Mettaton uttered the next few words.

"Well if you continue your good and loyal service, I'll be happy to offer you a nice reward. Perhaps, captain of the royal guard?" Sans gasped when he saw a black tongue lean forward and lick his brother's neck like it was a lollipop, making Papyrus moan. Sans wanted to shout 'no paps, don't do it!' but the other bone brother muttered an 'okay' to give the robot permission to devour and consume him. If Sans had skin, he would have felt it crawl at the sight of his little brother being used like this.

"PAPYRUS NO!" Sans shot up out of bed with his left eye glowing yellow and blue and hurled a magical bone at the wall, leaving a huge dent in it.

At the sound of the sickening thud of bone meeting brick, Sans fell back into the bed and struggled to get his breath back, questioning whether this was his reality or another timeline being remembered.

He vaguely heard his name being called by a feminine, sweet sounding voice before Toriel took him in his arms and whispered to him 'it's going to be okay Sans, it's okay.'

"Another nightmare, honey?" Toriel asked as she pecked him on the forehead. Sans sighed. Toriel's kisses made him melt in the best way possible and although he had a hard time believing this was his reality now, it gave him another reason to hold on to this life and not let the previous, horrible timelines get to him.

"Yeah. Yeah." San wheezed, barely looking at Toriel in the eye. "Sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for." Sans chuckled in spite of himself as Toriel gave him another kiss. He'd have protested Toriel's claim if he had had the energy but he didn't want to argue with his girlfriend. She shouldn't have had to put up with Sans' night terrors and it made the skeleton wonder why the goat mama had stuck around after five months of dating the _bonehead_. He was so cracked in the head, who was she _kid-ding_? 

After calming down and reminding himself that the universe where Mettaton and Papyrus were an 'item' did not exist in this timeline and that there was nothing Sans could do to 'fix' all the timelines, Sans went back to bed with Toriel and desperately tried to get some shut eye.

* * *

 

Unfortunately for Sans, Mettaton and Papyrus being a couple was not such a farfetched concept in _this_ reality.

"Mettaton confessed to Papyrus and they're out on a date right now?" Sans could hear Toriel scream in delight and pick up their child Frisk to give them a bone crushing hug.

He also heard her flinch at the sound of a cup being dropped.

"Sans? Honey? Everything all right?"

"Yeah Tori, it's all good!" he said as he got the brush and pan to clean the rubble. "Just got butter fingers!"

He sighed in relief when he heard her laugh. It wasn't all good, but he wasn't gonna burden Toriel or anyone else with these feelings.

No, he'd have to take care of this problem himself before it escalated into something bigger.

"Don't worry Papyrus." Sans said to himself. "I may not have been able to save you in that timeline, but I'll sure as hell save you in this one."


	2. Enemy No.2: Undyne and Napstablook (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sans pays Undyne a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank everyone who left kudos or comments for the last chapter, I'm so pleased you all liked it! I honestly did not expect the response to be so positive.

Sans couldn't tell anyone about the existence of the multiple timelines.

First of all, having such knowledge was quite literally soul crushing (hehehe get it soul crushing because in some timelines Frisk literally  _crushes your soul_ ) and he didn't want to subject any of his loved ones to something that was hard to unlearn once you _knew_  it existed. Believe me, Sans had tried forgetting about the existence of the SAVE function many times but the knowledge was permanently burned into his psyche.  

Second of all, there was no guarantee anyone would believe him. If he walked up to Undyne and told her that in another universe Mettaton was exploiting his position of power to  _bone_  Papyrus (hehehehe), she'd probably laugh in his face and ask "did you have one too many bottles of ketchup sauce? Did the _puns_ finally make you _punny_ in the head?"  
  
Explaining something Sans himself didn't even understand one hundred percent was impossible, so he decided to take a different approach. He tapped on the door of a house shaped like a fish head and was met with scaly face.   
  
"Hey  _Undyne_  I have been  _dying_  to see you!"   
  
"SANS?!" Undyne shrieked. "OH MY GOSH IT'S BEEN AGES SINCE THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU!!!!! C'MERE YOU!"

Sans feared for his life as Undyne pulled him into a bone crushing hug (no seriously this wasn't a pun she has cracked one of his ribs before) and breathed a big sigh of relief when she put him back down in one piece. "Ah I missed ya so much! You should've come visit me sooner! Though I don't blame you for being heh 'preoccupied' with that gorgeous girlfriend of yours, even if she's not as beautiful as _my_ Alphys!" 

"Beauty is in the _eye_ of the beholder but _eye_ spy a liar! Them's fighting words Undyne!" Sans smirked.   
  
"Oh yeah?" She returned the grin. "I can take you!"   
  
Sans nearly laughed his skull off as Undyne pulled him into a headlock and gave him a noogie strong enough to put a hole through his head. Ah, it reminded him of the good old days when Undyne first became the captain of the royal guard... Or was that the first time he trained Undyne in another timeline?   
  
Sans... Sometimes got the timelines mixed up when he was tired or stressed. 

It was no big deal.   
  
"Listen Undyne." He said, slipping from her grip with ease. She scratched her scaly head, confused as to how Sans got out of her famous chokehold but she let him continue. "Though I do love rough housing, I came here for some serious business. I hate to be that kind of brother but I want to ask your opinion about Mettaton."   
  
That was a bold faced lie, Sans had _no_ problem being that kind of brother if it meant Papyrus would be saved from a horrible relationship. However, he did not know how Undyne felt about Mettaton and he couldn't risk sabotaging his mission by revealing his dastardly plot to someone who may be on Team Papyton.   
  
That was the name Sans gave his potential enemies to keep him focused on the task at hand.   
  
"Ooooooh I see what's going on here!" Sans tensed under Undyne's big, toothy smile. "You wanna know if Mettaton's good enough for your bro! Or learn about the enemy so you can DESTROY HIM!"   
  
"Me? Aww Undyne I'm too busy working hard to hardly work to take on a project that big." How did Undyne guess so easily?! Big globs of sweat poured down Sans' face but Undyne just laughed. 

"Aww don't feel guilty Sans, you are waaaaay too laid back to play the obnoxious, protective big brother role."Undyne said, patting Sans on the shoulder. "BUT I AM NOT LAID BACK! SO I AM OBNOXIOUS ENOUGH TO PLAY THE PROTECTIVE BIG SISTER ROLE! MWAHAHA!" 

Sans sighed with relief.  _This_ was why he loved Undyne, aside from her vigour for life and brash enthusiasm. She was just as nutty about Papyrus as he was.   
  
"You're in luck Sans cos I invited the bucket of bolts for a cooking challenge today! If he wins, he has my approval! If he doesn't then he has to go crawling back to his lady love the stage! Don't know why he left it for a boy to be honest, girls are way prettier in my honest opinion..."   
  
Sans stroked his chin while Undyne kept up the conversation. He knew Mettaton losing a cook off would not deter Papyrus in the slightest, but if Sans could make getting on the good side of Mettaton's future in laws difficult then maybe he could get the the robot to break the relationship off.

Sans grinned. Yes, the key to success was crushing the robot's spirit!  
  
"He will never make a pasta to satisfy my taste buds and I don't see how he stands a chance since he hasn't got any himself! So rest assured Sans, Mettaton and Papyrus ain't gonna happen!"   
  
"Aww don't be so hard on him Undyne, that _bucket of bolts_  just might give you the _shock_ of your life." Which was why Sans brought a secret weapon to ensure Mettaton would come out of Undyne's challenge as a failure. A fail-safe if you will. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I divided this chapter into two parts because I've been super busy and I didn't want to make you all wait for new content.


	3. Enemy No.2: Undyne and Napstablook (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are just starting to heat up.

"Aww don't be so hard on him Undyne, that bucket of bolts just might give you the shock of your life." Sans winked.  
  
"Me? Shocked? HA! I was Captain of the Royal Guard Sans, you've got to get up pretty early in the morning to get past me!"  
  
"GOOD MORNING BEAUTIES AND GENTLE BEAUTIES!" Undyne screamed at the sound of her front door being slammed open and jumped up so high she made a hole in the ceiling. Mettaton stopped smiling and gaped up at the anguished warrior woman's frightened face. "Oh my goodness Undyne, I'm so so-"  
  
Mettaton froze as he saw Sans' face. The skeleton resisted the urge to give the robot a nasty grin and settled for a sly smirk to keep his cover. In retrospect Sans honestly didn't understand why Mettaton of all people was scared of _him_ when in the alternate timelines he often proved he was a force to be reckoned with, but for now he would just enjoy seeing the fear in the bucket of bolt's eyes.  
  
"S-Sans!" Mettaon coughed and quickly composed himself by running his fingers through his synthetic hair. "How lovely to see you! I didn't expect you to be paying Undyne a visit today."  
  
"Likewise, MTT. Paps is job hunting and Toriel decided to take Frisk shopping for school clothes. I thought I'd use the free time to catch up with my old pal Undyne up there." Sans winked. "What are _you_ doing here?"  
  
Sans would be lying if he said he wasn't enjoying the way Mettaton was squirming. He had to stop his left eye from glowing yellow and blue at the little trickle of oil that was falling down his brow.  
  
"Undyne invited Mettaton for a cooking lesson." Sans stopped smiling when he heard a tiny voice appear behind Mettaton's metalic frame. "I came to offer emotional support."  
  
If Sans had eyebrows he would have raised them at the tiny little ghost that appeared next to Mettaton.  
  
"H-Hello Sans. I don't believe I've introduced myself before. I-I'm Napstablook. I'm Mettaton's cousin. A-and a friend of Frisk's. I believe they've told me about you? If not, that's okay I'm not as interesting as my cousin..."  
  
"Well Napsta-blook-you my friendly little ghost. I didn't have a _ghost_ of a chance about remaining ignorant of your existence because Frisk told me all about you and your wonderful music." Heh, Napstablook's smile was adorable and the compliment was genuine, but Sans was annoyed that Frisk hadn't told him Mettaton and Napsta were cousins. That would have been useful information to know prior to today... "I can't say the same about the prospect of being in-laws though, since I only found out about Papyrus and lover boy's secret affair yesterday."  
  
Sans let the words sink in while the air in the room suddenly became very tense. He felt like he was getting back on track when he heard the little "ah!" from Mettaton and watched the oil _pour_ from his face. Sans was almost disappointed with how docile and nervous the robot was being given how arrogant and flamboyant he was on stage, he should have gotten more a fight from him. Strange...  
  
"Really? I-I thought Papyrus and Mettaton becoming an item was inevitable." Napstablook said. "After Papyrus took Mettaton on a dinner date, everyone in the underground agreed he got a _pizza_ his heart."  
  
Sans stood there with his mouth gaping wide open.  
  
He had just been seriously and thoroughly dunked on by a shy little ghost with a pun.  
  
Not just any pun, but a _food pun_ , two of Sans' most favourite things in the world.  
  
He couldn't even be angry. If Napstablook wasn't a member of Team Papyton, Sans would have leaped forward and shook their hand, if he had any hands.  
  
"COULD YOU THREE STOP EXCHANGING STUPID PUNS AND GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!" Undyne screamed from the little hole she made in the ceiling, snarling down at the group.  
  
"Sorry Undyne!"  
  
"I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO HELP ME FOR THREE MINUTES, LIKE DAMN! PAPYRUS WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A STRETCH LADDER AND SOME MOTOR OIL BY NOW!"  
  


* * *

  
Sans sat at the kitchen table with Napstablook, looking as innocent as possible. He'd seen Mettaton's crazy cooking show and was able to predict how he'd mess up Undyne's kitchen. Sans smirked. It was easy to forgive an eight-year-old kid for burning down your house, but Sans couldn't see Undyne forgiving Mettaton for messing up her kitchen. He resisted the urge to rub his hands together.  
  
"Okay Mettaton, here's the first part of your test! WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO WITH THESE TOMATOES?!" Mettaton smiled and took a deep breath. Here it comes.  
  
"I'M GOING TO CHAINSAW THEM INTO A BLOODY PULP!" Mettaton mwahaha'ed and broke the chainsaw out like one of those scary humans in a horror flick, causing Napstablook to shelter behind a chuckling Sans. This was perfect. Undyne was gonna-  
  
"OOOOOOOH SUCH PASSION!" Sans' jaw dropped as he watched Undyne's star struck face be splattered with tomato juice. "FRISK DIDN'T EVEN BRUISE THE FRUIT WHEN I TAUGHT HER FIRST LESSON!"  
  
"Vegetable darling, vegetable." Mettaton calmly said, as if he wasn't massacaring the tomatoes with a rusty chainsaw. It sent shivers down Sans' spine.

"TOMATOES ARE A FRUIT METTATON, THEY ARE A FRUIT!" Undyne shrieked before giving a discreet cough and composing herself. "Okay, what gas mark are ya gonna set the oven to?"  
  
"I will set it to THE FIRES OF HELL!" Mettaton mwahaha'ed again and played with the oven dials until flames burst forth. The flames were so big and lifelike Sans almost mistook them for Grillby.  
  
"Geez!" Sans cried and tried to shield Napstablook from any sparks that may have jumped and attacked them. Sans glared at Undyne, who was just standing there transfixed by the chaos screaming "YES! YES! AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?!"

"STIR THE POT AT THE SPEED OF SOUND!"

"YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!"  
  
Sans was very tempted to chuck a bone at both these boneheads before he felt like a very, very wet skeleton. Sans blinked and found Napstablook hiding under his chair. He envied the ghost because they had managed to successfully avoid the splash of water.  
  
"Undyne! Mettaton! What on Earth is going on?" Sans gaped at the yellow figure who had entered the house with a bucket. "How many times must I tell you to be careful when cooking in the house? Human homes are expensive and we can't just build another flat should the place catch on fire... At least that's what I've heard." Sans shocked expression turned into a warm smile, hardly believing that it was Doctor Alphys confidently chastising an equally wet Mettaton and Undyne for making a mess.  
  
"Sorry honey!" Undyne nervously laughed, scratching the back of her head. "Me and Mettaton just got caught up so much in the PASSION of cooking!"

"Indeed!" Mettaton said, hardly caring that his hair was ruined. "I was so determined to impress Undyne and win her approval to date Papy, I simply got ahead of myself! But don't worry darling, I will clean up the mess!" Sans side-eyed Mettaton. King Mettaton would had never lifted a finger for neither monster or human in his entire life. What was this Mettaton's game?  
  
"W-Well thank you Mettaton, I appreciate it." Alphys smiled. "Afterwards, I will help with the cooking." Undyne and Mettaton cheered, completely forgetting about the test.  
  
Napstablook decided to hide behind Mettaton now, for Sans seemed like he was in a bad, bad mood.  
  


* * *

  
  
Sans didn't know how they went from nearly burning down the kitchen to domestic bliss but he shrugged his shoulders and dipped his hand into his coat pocket. Mettaton wouldn't be able to stand the heat soon and his secret weapon was piping hot.  
__  
'Sorry Undyne, but I've gotta protect Papyrus. You'll be thankful I did this once you see what this guy is like too.' Sans laced the curry spice onto the spaghetti Mettaton made while everyone went to wash up. He didn't want to set Undyne's mouth ablaze, but fiery things was one of the few things that pissed Undyne off and he'd rather she hate Mettaton now than be friends with him only to eventually get her heart broken. Papyrus was Sans' baby brother, but he also really cared about Undyne and knew she had a soft, gooey centre. He couldn't allow such a person to form a friendship with Mettaton.  
  
Sans rushed back to his seat when he heard everyone else coming from back the bathroom.   
  
They wall sat together at the table and Undyne raised her fork for the moment of truth.   
  
"Don't think you're out of the underground yet Metta! My decision will be made when I taste your spaghetti bolognese!"  
  
"Oh well then I guess I better ask Papy for his hand in marriage then!" Sans gave a fake belly laugh and slammed the table, pretending his fist was hitting Mettaton's face.  
  
This was it. The moment of truth. If Sans had human lips he would have bit them in anticipation as he watched the fork enter Undyne's mouth. She took the first bite.  
  
"WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA!" And with a terrifying scream Undyne went head first into the ceiling and fell back down to Earth, her feet in the air. Rubble and debris from the ceiling from hole number 2 fell on her, finishing Sans' job.   
  
He resisted the urge to laugh.  
  
That went better than expected.

Now it was time to put on the oscar-worthy performance and let Undyne do the rest.   
  
"Oh my God, Undyne are you okay?" Sans was the first to rush to her side and help her from the rubble, the others still in shock. Alphys was beside herself with worry while Mettaton rushed to Undyne's other side, helping Sans raise her from the rubble and profusely apologising to the ex-captain of the royal guard. _'Run for the door lover boy, cos your shiny metal ass is Undyne's.'_  
  
"THAT.WAS." Here came Undyne's famous temper tantrum. Sans hoped Alphys could make Mettaton a new heart to replace the one that would get broken with a spear. And a new butt, cos that was gonna get an kicking too. "AMAZING!"     
  
What?   
  
"I HAVE NEVER TASTED ANYTHING SO SPICY IN MY LIFE AND I LOVE IT! A COOK OF THAT CALIBRE IS NOT ONLY WORTHY OF PAPYRUS' HAND IN MARRIAGE, BUT THE HONOUR OF HAVING HIS BABIES! WELCOME TO THE FAMILY METTA!" A red lipped, water eyed Undyne let go of Sans in order to shake Mettaton's hand. The robot looked like he was in a lot of pain from the gesture but he grinned and bore it.   
  
"Really? Oh thank you sweetheart!" Mettaton gasped, hardly believing his luck. "But are you sure you're all right? That was quite a fall!"   
  
"Don't worry about it, I've had the spiciest concoctions imaginable from the curry kitchen down the road! I've never been smart enough to put curry sauce in my spaghetti though, we should go visit Mr. Patak and tell him to put this on the menu!"   
  
"Not before you've had a glass of milk Undyne, Mr. Patak won't be able to understand you if your lips swell up again."   
  
"Oh, thank you babe!"   
  
Sans sat there and watched the trio leave him sitting at the table, completely gobsmacked.   
  
Never in a million timelines would have Sans predicted Undyne wrapping her arm around Mettaton's shoulders and smiling at him with a milk moustache.   
  
What the heck was going on?   
  
"Something wrong, Sans?" Napstablook the friendly ghost was sitting next to him, smiling. And it wasn't an innocent smile, but a 'I know what you did and I'm glad it backfired on you' smile.   
  
"I just can't stand the heat, so I'm getting out of the kitchen." Sans smirked. "But I'll be back when it's cooled down. If you'll excuse me..."  
  
He couldn't rely on Undyne's disapproval to keep Papyrus away from Mettaton now, but he still had plenty of tricks up his sleeve.  


	4. Enemy No.3: Burgerpants and Nice Cream Guy (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toriel talks to Papyrus about Sans and Sans finds inspiration for the next part of his plan in enemy territory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while since I last updated. The reason for this is because I got a new job! 
> 
> Once I get settled in I'll hopefully either update this fic once or month or update sporadically with short chapters. This fic was originally meant to be longer, but I didn't want to leave this fic without an update for so long. 
> 
> Thanks for waiting and enjoy! 
> 
> By the way, this new piece of information inspired certain parts of this fanfic. Be sure to read it AFTER you've read this chapter: 
> 
> http://bluerosegardener.tumblr.com/post/137795385543/new-burgerpants-dialogue

"Papyrus, did you enjoy your date?" Toriel took her nose out of a really good book and saw the answer to her own question. Papyrus' cheeks were flushed a rosy red and he was nyeh heh-ing like there was no tomorrow.   
  
"It was the best! After he picked me up from my job interview, me and Mettaton went to ride the carnival, rode the ferris wheel, challenged each other at the games and..." Toriel sat and patiently nodded at all the exciting details Papyrus was giving. Honestly, he was so cute when he started gushing about his boyfriend.   
  
"Oh I almost forgot to ask Toriel, where is Sans?" Papyrus asked.

"He decided to pay Undyne a visit today." she said. 

"And he didn't invite ME?!" Toriel resisted to urge to laugh at Papy's fake anger. "Hmph! _I_ was friends with Undyne before HE even met her! Hmph! Well, I'll have to have a word with my brother!"   
  
"While you pick a bone with your brother Papyrus," Toriel ignored his little scream. "Could you... Ask him if everything is all right?"   
  
Papyrus gasped and took Toriel's hand.   
  
"Are _you_ all right Toriel? What's up? Has my brother been treating you badly? I hope he hasn't or I'd have to challenge him to a duel to defend milady's honour!" the skeleton brother said, the concern and kindness in his voice genuine. Toriel thought it was a shame that he only got to be a member of the royal guard for a short time, as he had the spirit of a chivalrous knight.   
  
"I will admit that I've had trouble sleeping because your brother has had a couple of nightmares. He says it's fine and that there's nothing to worry about, but I'd like him to talk to someone about it. It doesn't matter who as long as he feels he can share his worries with them." Toriel sighed, looking at the picture of her and Sans on her first date. She desperately wanted to see that happy shine back in his eyes instead of the black circles that were now under them.   
  
"Don't worry Toriel! You can count on me! The Great Papyrus is on the case!" Papyrus grinned, the fire and determination in his eyes plain as day.   
  
"I knew you wouldn't let me down Papy." Toriel gave him a small smooch on the cheek and laughed when the skeleton went 'nyeh heh!'  
  
"Calm yourself, Toriel! I know it's hard to resist the Godly good looks of The Great and Handsome Papyrus, but I'm taken and you are my brother's girlfriend! We attractive people must simply control ourselves!"   
  
"Of course, Papyrus." Toriel giggled and waved the skeleton off as he went out to go and find Sans.  

  
The goat mama had total and complete faith in Papyrus. If she couldn't get through to Sans, then Papyrus definitely would through sheer determination.  

* * *

 

Sans munched on a Glam Burger and thought it was surprisingly good. After doing a comedic standup gig Sans usually preferred MTT steaks with the bot's face on them because he didn't find the idea of eating glitter too appealing, but it turned out to be not that bad. Plus, eating at one of Mettaton's fastfood chains would help him learn about his enemy since said enemy ruined a good dinner.  
  
Sans had a hunch that getting Undyne to disapprove Mettaton and Pap's relationship wasn't a rocksolid plan. Like he said, he'd only hoped her disapproval would put a crack in the relationship and give Pap an incentive to end things with Mettaton if the relationship had gotten difficult.  
  
Then again, Papyrus was an old fashioned romantic fool. He didn't share Sans' sense of realistic realism when it came to relationships. If all his friends had disapproved the relationship, he'd use the disapproval as motivation to get everyone to see just how wonderful Mettaton was.  
  
Changing Pap's view of Mettaton was the key to ending their relationship.  
  
"Could I get some more ketchup please?" Sans hollered for Burgerpants, realising he'd need more brain fuel. Getting Papyrus to not see the good in people was like getting a lion to not eat meat when he saw it. They just couldn't keep _lion_ around when an opportunity for food or friendship arose.   
  
Sans smiled fondly as he remembered that one timeline where Papyrus had approached a violent and angry Frisk, who had been nothing but determined to kill everything in their path. Other monsters would have run away or tried to kill little Frisk but instead Papyrus saw a kid who might have just needed a hug or a chance to make their first real friend. He'd almost had a heart attack when he saw Pap carrying the kid in their arms.  
  
Mettaton on the other hand, had no qualms about attacking a small child and building a body for such a purpose.  
  
"What the heck does he see in him?" Sans muttered under his breath, thinking hard. He'd been a scientist in the royal court but he couldn't fathom any test or hypothesis to what had drawn Papyrus to that selfish robot. If Sans had remembered that alternative timeline BEFORE he had that nightmare, he wouldn't have given Papy those sexy robot figurines for Christmas. He thought it was just an innocent little crush that wouldn't amount to anything because Papy and Mettaton couldn't have been more different. How wrong he truly was.   
  
"Oh I know right?" Sans jumped as he heard Burgerpants set down his ketchup. "Nice Cream can do so much better than Mettaton."  
  
"Nice Cream?" Sans turned around and saw the bunny watching one of the Mettaton's music videos with adoration clear in his eyes.  
  
"Yeah, he's always coming in here to catch a glimpse of Mettaton or to get me to read his terrible jokes. Seriously Sans, do me a favour and give the guy some comedy lessons."  
  
"I'll try and fit him into my busy schedule." Sans winked. "Not a fan of Mettaton buddy?"  
  
"How can you be a fan of a guy who promises you big roles, only to make ya a freaking bush in his next stage play? How can you be a fan of a guy who makes you wear weird outfits and yells at you every five minutes?" Burgerpants sighed and didn't notice when Sans cringed at the mention of those weird outfits. That sounded wrong in so many ways and he wondered if Pap knew that Mettaton liked to dress up his employee. "If I didn't need this job I'd have quit a long time ago Sans."  
  
"Then why don't you? Come on Burgy, no job is worth being this miserable for." Sans said, trying to encourage the little cat. They'd only chatted a couple of times between the point where Sans had finished a gig and had to go home to Papy, but Sans liked the kitty's spunk. Burgerpants probably didn't know it, but he was made of tough stuff for staying at a job he hated on the off chance that he might achieve his dream of becoming an actor.   
  
"And waste all the time I've spent here being miserable? No way Sans, no way." Burgerpants said. "Mettaton is going to have to fire me first."   
  
Sans sighed and let the cat get back to work, before glancing back at Nice Cream. The bunny blushed and looked away, like he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar but that didn't stop him from sneaking another glance at Burgerpants when he thought he wasn't looking.  
  
Sans smirked.  
  
He just found a way to not only help give Burgerpants the final push to leave Mettaton and maybe get a boyfriend, but to also put the first and hopefully last nail in the coffin of Mettaton and Papyrus's relationship. 


	5. Enemy No.3: Burgerpants and Nice Cream Guy (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love is in the air, but Sans' not only playing cupid in this little love drama...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is wondering where I got the name 'Bluebell' for Nice Cream Guy, I'd like to give the author of 'Snowed In in Snowdin' credit. They came up with the name for the character and it was so fitting and adorable I couldn't help but use it. I hope they don't mind, but if they do I'm sure I can come up with a different name. 
> 
> The fic is a great read and I highly recommend it!

Sans chuckled as he peaked through the window of the MTT-Brand Burger Emporium to spy on a nervous rabbit whose cheeks were burning a bright purple colour. He snickered, watching as Nice Cream Guy took a couple of deep breaths. Seeing the blue rabbit psyche himself up to ask out his long time crush made Sans feel like a younger man again, particularly when he had watched a ten-year-old Papyrus confess to his first love behind a conveniently shaped lamp. Unfortunately the attempt to woo the young lady didn’t go well, but Sans like always was there to pick up the pieces of Papy’s heart and buy him Nice Cream from the mother of the friendly salesman he now saw getting ready to make love happen.

“Come on Bluebell, if you could save your business then you can ask him out! Let’s go win him over!” Sans smiled as he watched Bluebell strut towards the counter, bravery and determination seeping from every pore of his body. The skeleton did not believe he would have to cheer up this bunny with ice cream after this was over. “Burgerpants! I mean, Fluffy!”

Now dear reader before you ask, yes. Burgerpants’ real name was Fluffy. Fluffy the Cat. Fluffy the Cat who wanted to be a big star, but ended up working for Mettaton because the actual star liked the name and decided “Someone with such a cute name should be working for me!” before said feline disgraced himself in the back of an alley and was dubbed as the “Burgerpants” you all know and love.

Fluffy. Fluffy the Cat.

“Dude, I asked you not to call me that at work. I hate it more than this stupid nickname!” Burgerpants deadpanned while the customer the was serving, Fuku Fire, giggled behind her MTT-brand frappicino. Bluebell shrugged it off before taking another deep breath. He was gonna do it. He was really gonna do it. If Sans actually had a pair of lungs or a heart, they would have stopped pumping air and blood around his body for one whole second.

“Well you shouldn’t hate your real name and do you know why?” Bluebell asked, staring deeply into Burgy’s brown eyes.

“Uh… N-no?” Burgerpants stuttered under Bluebell’s gaze.

“Because your name is cute, just like you!”

Fuku Fire looked like she was gonna suck in her straw along with the contents of her drink, while Sans stood hidden behind the window with his mouth hanging out. Not because he didn’t predict that Bluebell would confess, but he had never seen a timeline where Bluebell had been so blunt about his feelings before.

Man. Things in this timeline were _different_. Sometimes a really _good_ kind of different.

“… Bluebell, are you playing a prank on me? If that’s the case then it’s not funny. Here Fuku, have a glass of water before you choke on your drink.” Fuku Fire looked at Burgerpants like he was a bucket of water. Sans could tell Burgy was upset because he usually never forgot that Fuku was allergic to the clear liquid. Frappicino was more sugary ice cream in one sickly sweet mess than water, so that didn’t count.

Bluebell grabbed for Burgerpant’s wrist, the one that threatened to poison Fuku with the non-sugary beverage and drew his hand close to his heart.

“Fluffy, do you know why I kept showing you those pictures of dudes hugging?” Bluebell asked.  
  
“Because you have a terrible sense of humour?”  
  
“Because I was trying to be _subtle_ , but the smooth approach doesn’t work you because you don’t seem to see how _awesome_ you are.” Bluebell blushed and stammered a bit, now that he had finally gotten Burgerpants’ undivided attention. “R-Right now I’m saying t-that even if you don’t like yourself all that much, I think you’re pretty great for following your dreams, even if you’ve taken the long and difficult route to get there.”

“Bluebell…” Burgerpants gasped, while Sans smirked. Someone was blushing… 

“A-And if you wanna share that journey with someone then I’d be more than happy to hit the road with you… Perhaps our next stop could be at Grillby’s comedy standup gig? Tonight?” Sans rubbed his hand together in eager anticipation when Bluebell pulled out the tickets he gave him. The fire monster promised he’d keep the mood nice and romantic for Sans’ matchmaking scheme, which was so far a success.

The skeleton could see that Burgerpants was blushing and stammering, much more so than Bluebell had been, but he knew what the cat’s answer was going to be.

“IF YOU DON’T SAY YES TO HIM I WILL FREAKING DIE!” Fuku, however, did not have Sans’ foresight. The young school girl was hyperventilating at the very thought of her favourite couple not getting together.

“Okay, okay I will go, I will go.” Burgerpants raised his hands in surrender to the young teenager, but both Sans and Bluebell knew what the smile on the feline’s face meant. It wasn’t one of his signature exaggerated or forced smiles he dished out to customers. This one was a rare and genuine grin. The skeleton resisted the urge to sigh in the way Toriel would while reading one of her romance novels. Sigh Tori, how he was starting to miss her… “I’ll have to close the Emporium five minutes earlier than usual though Fuku.”

“SCREW THE EMPORIUM, I’LL EAT DAD’S COOKING!” Fuku screeched, forgetting her dad was performing tonight. Sans chuckled as the little fire monster sped out the door, nearly breaking its hinges in the process. That girl simply had no chill. “BE HAPPY AND HAVE LOTS OF RABBIT FELINE BABIES, OKAY?” was her last parting cry.

Bluebell and Fluffy shared an awkward chuckle as they finally realised that they had been left alone, together, and it was making the small feline nervous.

“Um, Mettaton might get mad if I close shop early but… it’s usually dead on a Friday night anyway.” Fluffy said. “You’re buying dinner?”

“Of course!” Bluebell smiled the same way he had when Frisk had been his first customer in a long, _long_ time. His blue ears perked up and everything. “A gentleman always pays for the first date!”  
  
“Well, aren’t I lucky?” Burgerpants may have sounded sarcastic to the average passerby, but if Sans had eyeballs in his eye sockets they would have popped out when he saw Burgerpants grab _Bluebell’s hand after he locked up shop and left with the rabbit._

"WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!" When Burgerpants and Bluebell were out of earshot, Sans loudly and happily expressed his feelings. 

Burgerpants’ tsundere ways almost made him reconsider his plan.

Almost.

When the lights of the MTT-Brand Burger Emporium had been extinguished, Sans signed and teleported inside the restaurant. His eye socket began to give an eerie, blue glow to the empty shop. He waited for the sound of thunderous laughter to mask the noise he was about to make. 

“I’m sorry buddy.” he said. “But you and Papyrus will be much happier after this.” 

* * *

“GRILLBY? Are you seeing this?!” Toriel gasped as she looked out into the audience. She had simply come to Mettaton’s hotel to wish Grillby good luck and offer him and his daughter a hearty meal of Snail Pie before he went on stage, but she had never expected to see this sight!

“Huh, so he finally got the guts to tell him how he felt.” The flame monster smirked as he peeped at the blue rabbit and cat through the red curtain. They were sat together at a table near the back of the room, looking like they were having a deep, intimate discussion. “Good for him!” 

“I- I mean, it’s unbelievable! It’s wonderful, but I thought Bluebell was shy?” 

“I don’t know what to tell you Tori, but I do know that Sans came here earlier today to ask for two tickets to my show. I think Cupid may have been trying to shoot some arrows today.” Grillby winked.

Toriel gasped again, hardly believing what she heard. Her Sans had done this? He had brought these two monsters together?

The goat mama felt a sudden rush of relief sweep through her body. Perhaps this is why Sans had been leaving the house so often and was less chatty then usual. 

“Well my Queen, I’ve gotta get ready in five. Mettaton’s already annoyed that Sans decided to take a rain check on tonight’s performance slot, I better not get on the boss’ nerves too!” Grillby said.

“Grillby, you don’t have to refer to me by my title, I am not a queen anymore!” Toriel said.

“A big beautiful woman like you? Baby, you don’t need a crown to be my queen!” Grillby made the sauciest and most suggestive eyebrow wiggle the ex-monarch had ever seen in her life.  

“Oh hush and get on stage!” Toriel giggled, waving the flame monster away. “Save the flattery for the audience!”

“All right, but if I were Sans I wouldn’t leave a pretty goat lady on her own with so many bachelors about… Lately the guy's skill hasn't been sitting right on his head.” Toriel rolled her eyes and waved Grillby away again, but the bad feeling that had been in the pit of her stomach for a couple of days had come back. 

What was Sans doing?

* * *

Burgerpants was experiencing a very strange, tingling feeling that had been foreign to him since the tender age of sixteen…

It felt like…

Happiness.

“I’m sorry for keeping you up all night.” He was still holding Bluebell’s hand as the rabbit walked him back to the Burger Emporium. After Grillby’s successful comedy gig, he and Bluebell went out for drinks and decided to stargaze for the remainder of the night while talking about anything that came to mind. “You’re probably not looking forward to going to work dog tired.”  

Bluebell was dead wrong.

Fluffy had never felt more awake.

“Well, I think there is something that would perk me up until I get my next break.” Burgerpants said.

“What? Name it and I’ll do it, whatever it is!” Although Bluebell had offered himself up for anything, Burgerpants slowly but surely bridged the gap between them so the blue rabbit could push the cat away if he got second thoughts about being with an ugly fur ball. However, it seemed as though Bluebell didn’t mind being kissed by a fat, fluffy cat like Burgerpants. He didn’t seem to mind at all. 

“I uh, I gotta go now but I will call you after work. Okay?”

  
“Okay…” Bluebell breathed as a flush of purple spread across his cheeks. Burgerpants snickered; he hardly believed his luck that someone so sweet and so ridiculous could want to be his boyfriend.

Maybe his luck was starting to change.

“BURGERPANTS I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY!” Mettaton’s loud, displeased scream was probably the only thing that could have broke Bluebell and Fluffy out of their happy little trance and by the frightened look on Bluebell’s face, it looked like it was successful in its attempt to kill the mood and bury it deep in the ground.

The universe had seemed to decide that Burgerpants’ luck wasn’t going to change any time soon.

Fluffy should have really seen this coming, really.


	6. Enemy No.3: Burgerpants and Nice Cream Guy (part 3)

Toriel blew flames through her nostrils as she burned her eggs and bacon to a crisp.  
  
“Is everything all right Tori?” Papyrus asked as he dumped an array of breakfast treats into his basket. Chocolate, blueberries, all the things Mettaton liked. “You don’t look very happy.”  
  
“I’m fine dear, I’m just not a morning person.” Toriel felt bad about lying, but she didn’t want to tell Papyrus that Sans hadn’t come home last night. She had only discovered the bonehead’s note next to her pillow after she came back from Grillby’s show.  _‘Important sentry work my hoof, Asgore isn’t even the king anymore! What's his game?’_  
  
“Okay…” Papyrus hesitated when Toriel buttered a crescent with a little more force than necessary. “Well I am sure you will feel like a morning person when you see Sans! I know I will feel good when I get to see my beloved Mettaton and give him this superb breakfast, nyeh heh heh…”  
  
Toriel didn’t need to see Sans for that because seeing Papyrus just getting giddy at the idea of seeing his boyfriend make her feel better, if a little bit jealous. Young love was just so wonderfully uncomplicated.   
  
Her child’s eagerness helped too.  
  
“What is it Frisk?” she asked as the tiny child pulled at her skirt. She noticed the red heart in their hand with Burgerpants and the Nice Cream guy’s names scribbled on. “A Valentines card? Isn’t it a bit late? February is over…”  
  
Frisk furiously shook their head and had a look of  _determination_  in their eyes.  
  
“I suppose you’re right my child.” Toriel smiled and kissed Frisk on their brow. “I’m sure Fluffy and Bluebell will appreciate it.” Toriel didn’t mention the fact that if Frisk hadn’t encouraged Guard number 1 and 2 to talk about their feelings, Bluebell would have never met the couple and realized that his own feelings for Fluffy weren’t as platonic as he had originally thought.   
  
Even though Frisk had been in their lives for only a short while, they had managed to change so much just by being there for all the monsters of the underground and even now they were still the kind of human that kept on giving.  
  
“Frisk…” Toriel opened her mouth, but stopped when her child looked up at her and blinked. She pulled the human child into a warm hug and nuzzled her forehead. “Never mind. Let’s go visit Mettaton and the others. If we’re lucky, we might see your papa at the Emporium too.”  
  
Even under the eye of Frisk’s discerning gaze, Toriel didn’t want to burden her child with her problems. She would do what she did last time there was a problem with her relationship, confront it and come up with a solution…  
  
She just hoped she wouldn’t have to end yet another relationship.

* * *

 

If Sans had a heart, it would have leapt from his throat at the sight of his girlfriend, brother and child walking down the street.   
  
_‘What are Toriel and Frisk doing here?’_  Sans had predicted that Papyrus would show up to ‘surprise’ his boyfriend like he always did, but he hadn’t seen a possibility where Toriel and Frisk would appear while his plans were just beginning to get results.  _‘Fiddlesticks!’_    
  
Papyrus was an intuitive fellow with great emotional intelligence and sense of  _style_ , but putting two and two together was not his strong  _suit_. Ha. Ahaha. Hahahaha!  
  
But in all seriousness Sans was screwed if Toriel and Frisk figured out what he was doing. As in, Toriel would literally screw his bony body to the wall next to her ex-husband and put a plaque over them that said ‘my greatest disappointments.’  
  
_‘Okay Sans, keep your head cool… There’s plenty of snow around for me to take off my skull and dunk it in…’_ he did just that while he was hiding behind the trashcan _. ‘Toriel and Frisk are not going to find out what’s going on...’_  
  
Nonetheless, he didn’t like the feeling in the pit of his stomach when he saw Toriel put a pair of protective arms around Frisk while his brother stood there, watching.  
  
Sans knew that Mettaton was a bad egg, but he hadn’t expected to see what he saw that morning. Mettaton NEO only came out to play when things were serious and judging by the tension in the room, things were  _serious._  
  
“Burgerpants, you have exactly five seconds to explain why you trashed my Glamour Burger Emporium and wrote ‘Papyrus sucks’ on the walls, or so help me I will do everything in my power to ruin your career!” Mettaton pointed his laser gun towards Burgerpants’ direction, ignoring what all the awful scribbles had said about himself. Sans couldn't believe that the robot was unaffected by all his lovely notes! "I'm waiting!"   
  
Sans had the decency to look away while Fluffy shook like a tiny kitten that had been cornered by a big dog with large teeth and claws, very  _big_ teeth and claws. This cat wasn’t going to find their voice in the five seconds Mettaton had given them…  
  
But a plucky young bunny was prepared to give the dog growling at him his day. Sans saw Bluebell push Fluffy behind him while he looked Mettaton square in the eye and said:  
  
“Back off Mettaton! You’re out of line!”  
  
Sans gripped the edge of the trashcan, while the robot made the face of a monster that was not used to being stood up to.  
  
“Excuse me?” he said, lowering his laser gun to give the young rabbit the haughtiest look possible.   
  
“You heard me! This time you’ve gone too far!” Bluebell shouted, blue ears pointing upward. “You’re accusing Fluffy of vandalism without  _any_  evidence whatsoever and threatening any chance of him getting another job! I’ve always liked your shows and music and dance numbers, but as a person well, well… You’re pretty crummy! If I were Fluffy, I would have quit my job by now!”  
  
“Quit? Quit a job working for  _the_ Mettaton?” Mettaton snickered while Sans rolled his eyes from his hiding spot. Honestly, what did Papyrus see in this egotistical, speaks-in-the-third-person butt? “Oh please, don’t make me laugh!”  
  
“Well your sides are gonna split because even if Fluffy wasn’t with me for the entire night last night-” Fuku Fire could be heard making ‘oooooooh!’ noises in the background. Grillby, like the dotting single father he was, had the sense to cover her mouth lest she drew the maniacal robot's attention to them. “I wouldn’t judge him for trashing your store because you make him feel pretty bad. If you don’t tell him he sucks at his job, you make him wear some pretty odd outfits that I am pretty sure counts as some form of harassment in the human world. I think Burgerpants is crazy to stay at this job. Crazy and _brave_ …”  
  
At this point, Bluebell was smiling at Burgerpants like a lovesick fool and the cat seemed to return the blue bunny’s fondness.  
  
“So I won’t let you trash talk him!” Bluebell finished his speech that put the final nail in his coffin. “And I hope you’ll understand what I have said and apologise to Fluffy!"   
  
Mettaton's face was set in a permanent scowl as he raised his laser canon in Bluebell's direction again. Sans' blue eye glowed, already standing up from his hiding spot behind the trashcan. With his bony knuckles clutched into iron fists, he decided that he didn't care if his plans were discovered or if his presence looked odd, he refused to let Burgerpants or Nice Cream Guy get hurt because of him.   
  
“You insolent little bunny! Do you know who I am, I… Frisk, what are you doing?!” Sans’ blue eye stopped glowing when his kid strutted towards the space between Bluebell and Mettaton and started doing some flashy dance steps that reminded Sans of the many Mettaton dance videos he had to endure watching while Papyrus had his turn with the TV. “Frisk honey, please stand aside while I teach this rude rabbit a lesson.”  
  
Frisk refused to listen and started doing aggressive little hip thrusts in Mettaton’s direction.  
  
“Frisk sweetie, why are you not listening to your Uncle Metta?”  
  
"Because you're acting like a bad boss in a videogame." Toriel crossed her arms and glared at the robot. Sans smirked as he felt a sense of pride in his girlfriend. She always did have guts and a confrontational personality. (Dun dun tich!)   
  
"Oh Toriel darling, _please_. I am not behaving that badly!"   
  
"Actually Mettaton, you are..." Everyone gasped as they heard Papyrus' high pitched voice. They all turned to him and saw what looked like a rare, serious expression on the skeleton's face. He ignored them and walked past Frisk to take Mettaton's hand, forcing the robot to lower his weapon. Sans' jaw nearly fell off when he saw all the anger in Mettaton's eyes melt away at his boyfriend's touch, even though there was still the slightest hint of frustration. "Please don't take this the wrong way my darling, the Great Papyrus _adores_  you with all his heart and soul. Well, I would if I had them, nyeh heh heh."

"Oh Papy, what are you getting at?" Mettaton chuckled, allowing all the patrons in the Emporium to relax for the first time that morning.   
  
_'What is going on?'_ Sans gawked at the scene before him. _'Where's the rampage? Why isn't Pap running away?'_    
  
"I am saying that you have many, many strengths. You're a brilliant entertainer, actor, singer, cousin, friend and now boyfriend, who by the way has made me the happiest skeleton in the world." Sans didn't miss the sparkle in Mettaton's eyes and the way he said 'oh papy' while the couple looked adoringly into each other's eyes. It made him wanna vomit. "But Mettaton... you can be a _horrible_ boss." Sans queasiness vanished when he saw the look on Mettaton's face. Ha! Yes! Break his heart Pap!  
  
"Me? A horrible boss?" Mettaton cried, sharp canines showing. "I am a great boss! Just ask the hundreds of employees who have worked for me! It's not my fault if one employee is SO bad at their job that they resort to childish vandalism!" Burgperpants squeaked when Mettaton scowled at him from the corner of his eye. Papyrus sighed and pulled Mettaton's chin so the robot was looking at him again.   
  
"Yes, to those employees you're a good boss. But do you know why you're a good boss to them? Because you encourage them. You make them believe they can do a good job. You don't make fun of them, you don't write and perform songs lambasting them about their performance in front of their co-workers and customers and most importantly... you don't make them wear outfits of your choosing." Papyrus looked less than pleased about that last part. Sans smirked. Good. Stick it to him little brother! "The Great Papyrus loves the beautiful and handsome Mettaton, but the Great Papyrus also believes Mettaton should give Burgerpants-I mean Fluffy a break."   
  
Papyrus absolutely glowed while Mettaton seemed to shy away from his light.   
  
"I... I supposed you have a point darling. But I don't mean to be mean to Burgerpants! Honest!" the robot said. "It's just that even though he's a brilliant employee and actor, he's lazy and grumpy! On the first day he came to work he didn’t smile once and I only dress him because he's slovenly and doesn't pick the right outfits for his body type! I try and try to help him reach his full potential, but he continually shows disinterest! He doesn't even show up for my acting classes anymore!"   
  
Sans wanted to smash his head on the concrete when he saw something akin to hope light up in Burgerpants' eyes.   
  
"You think I'm a good actor?" he hesitantly asked, coming out from his hiding place behind Bluebell.    
  
"Of course Fluffy! Why your interpretation of Hamlet is one of the reasons I gave you a job!" Mettaton said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "One should keep talented monsters in their company!"   
  
"If that's true, then why didn't you say anything?" Fluffy asked, gaining courage.

"I thought it should have been obvious from the way you've captivated audiences! Honestly Burgerpants, where is your self-confidence?" Mettaton tutted.   
  
"You buried it in the backyard when you created an entire album about how much he sucks." Bluebell frowned.

"I..." for the first time, Mettaton really looked at the small, brown furry kitty he called an employee. "I was simply motivating him!"   
  
"Mettaton, would you motivate me by writing an album about how much I suck?" Papyrus asked.   
  
"Of course not sweetie, that would be a horrible thing to do!" Mettaton answered without a second thought. "Oh..."   
  
For one moment Mettaton was, dare we say it, speechless. And perhaps, judging by the frown on his face, a little upset.   
  
"Burgerpants-I mean Fluffy, I'm so sorry." Mettaton let go of Papyrus to give the fur-ball a -gasp- hug. The cat looked uncomfortable in the robot's arms, but he quietly accepted the hug until the robot released him. "Perhaps I raised my expectations a little too high for you. While monsters like me may thrive under pressure, I can now see how some monsters might crumble under those expectations..."   
  
Sans was starting to grind his teeth. This was NOT how things were supposed to go.   
  
"For being such a hard worker and for keeping loyal customers happy" Mettaton winked at Fuku Fire and Frisk "I'm going to give you a raise. And hire someone to help you with the Emporium. And... I'll give you a small part in my next show."

"Let me guess, I’ll be the shrub?"   
  
"No, you’ll be my sidekick!" Mettaton smiled. "I need a foil in my next play and I can't think of anyone else who would be perfect for such a role!"   
  
Burgerpants looked like he had just discovered that he had won a million dollars.   
  
"Are you serious?" Burgerpants could hardly believe it.   
  
"Very serious dear." Mettaton said. "And sorry too."   
  
Burgerpants peeped behind him to look at Nice Cream Guy.   
  
"What do you think Bluebell?" the blue rabbit reached for his paw and gave is a tender squeeze.   
  
"I think if you want it, you should go for it." he said. "I'll support you every step of the way!"   
  
Frisk, along with the other patrons, applauded as Mettaton and Burgerpants shook on it. The robot invited the new couple and the bones family to breakfast while Bluebell started discussing Burgerpants' contract.   
  
Sans meanwhile, shoved himself into a trashcan until he stopped shaking from glowing, blue rage.   
  
This was not how things were supposed to go. 

* * *

  
Papyrus nearly dropped his fork when Mettaton gave him a big, wet smooch on his cheek.

"Mettaton, there are children present!" the skeleton giggled as Frisk and Fuku Fire watched the kiss with glee. "What's come over you all of a sudden?"

"I'm simply thanking my boyfriend for being my better half." Mettaton murmured as he nuzzled Papyrus. "I love you my sugar skull."   
  
"I know the feeling." Fluffy said as he took another bite of Toriel's omelette. "After you saved my life I could have kissed you." Fluffy gave a nervous laugh and started sweating when Bluebell and Mettaton glared at him. "I mean that in the most platonic sense! I swear!"   
  
"You were never in any real danger Fluffy, all that I keep in my laser canon now is paint and glitter!" Mettaton flipped his hair. "I know you're an artist like me, but there's no need to be so dramatic!"   
  
"I don't think you can criticise anyone for being dramatic after today's performance." Toriel read as Frisk typed out their message on her phone. The table responded with a resounding 'ooooooooh!' and a 'sick burn my child' from Toriel.   
  
"All right, all right I admit that I was a little hasty." Mettaton sighed. "But when someone says your boyfriend is a bubble butt in writing, one simply must defend his honour! So it's a good thing Papyrus is my better half, this stallion needs a cowboy to reign in his passion!"

"I don't deserve all the credit." Papyrus said before sharing a smile with Toriel. "My sister gave me a few lessons."   
  
"Lessons?" Bluebell said, one rabbit ear raised in confusion.   
  
"How to handle a silly boyfriend lessons." Another round of 'ooohhh!' spread around the table before Mettaton gave a displeased grunt. "How did I do teacher?"   
  
"You get an A plus." Toriel winked at Papy. "But I'm afraid your teacher may not be qualified anymore..."   
  
Frisk patted Toriel's large hand.   
  
"Boyfriend trouble?" Bluebell asked, sympathetically.   
  
"If it means anything your grace- I mean Ms. Toriel," Fluffy began. "If someone as pretty and sweet as you can have boyfriend troubles, then I believe there's hope for a monster like me to somehow make my love life work."   
  
"Aren't you a sweet little kitty!" A round of 'awws' went around the table when Toriel kissed Fluffy on the cheek, who glowed like the bright red fairy lights in Snowdin.   
  
"Oi! I've been your boyfriend five minutes and you're already cheating on me? I didn't realise I was dating a Casanova, Fluffy!" Bluebell crossed his arms and gave a huff, but Fluffy didn't miss the fake anger in his boyfriend's voice.   
  
"Well, my confidence as a philanderer came from the love a good bunny." he leaned up and gave the rabbit another small smooch on the lips. It didn't fail to make Bluebell melt into a gooey, blue puddle of happiness. Satisfied that his boyfriend was happy, Burgerpants went back to eating his breakfast while Mettaton could hardly believe that he was seeing this side of his employee. It made Toriel the tiniest bit jealous as the scene reminded her of how she and Sans used to be before he started having the chronic nightmares.   
  
"Sans just seems so distant lately. We used to have a lot of fun together, but now he's too tired and listless to do anything. It doesn't help that he was out last night..." Toriel said, pondering where her boyfriend may have gone off to.   
  
Papyrus voiced his opinion when Frisk was busy listening to Mettaton's latest album.   
  
"I don't think my brother would cheat on you Toriel. He's nuts about you and he's not that kind of guy... If he was out last night, he was probably trying to catch the artist who ripped him off." Papyrus said confidently.   
  
There was a silent pause around the table.   
  
"Artist who ripped him off?" Mettaton asked the question every adult monster at the table wanted to ask.   
  
"Yes sweetie, I'm talking about the vandal who vandalised your Emporium! Sans has the exact same handwriting and the exact same style of drawing! I recognise it because I saw him draw the same stink lines on Mettaton's butt before!" Papyrus said. "My brother will be REALLY unhappy when he finds out someone has been copying his style to do something so mean!"   
  
".. Fluffy, are Frisk and Fuku still listening to their tunes?" Bluebell asked as they were the only children in the restaurant. His cheeks burned the darkest, angriest shade of blue.   
  
"Yeah..."   
  
"Good, because I'm about to have a swearing session!"   
  
"I'll join you!" Mettaton said.   
  
"Me three!" Flames not only blew from Toriel's nostrils, but her hands were so hot they were about to melt the table. She hoped Mettaton would accept a cheque for the damage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realised I referred to Frisk with she/her pronouns in this chapter even though they're non-binary. Apologies for the mistake, I've now corrected it!


	7. Enemy No.4: Asgore and Flowey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sans has a cup of tea with Asgore and Flowey. It helps him figure things out.

Upon reflection Sans would realise that he was behaving like a wild animal that had been cornered. He was gritting his teeth, he was snarling in frustration and was susceptible to making some very, very bad choices. Like placing a pair of his girlfriend’s earrings on his little brother’s bed, hoping that Mettaton would assume the worst.

That was before he was caught red-handed.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!” If Sans had organs he was sure they would have leapt from his mouth at the sound of Flowey’s delighted squeal, as the plant’s father carried him in. “Mum’s gonna be so PISSED when she hears about this!”

Sans could care less about what the little flower from hell had to say, but it was the way Asgore looked at him that made him drop Toriel’s earrings.

“Flowey we’ve talked about this, you’re not allowed to swear.” Asgore ignored the groans of his flowery son: ‘but this is the perfect opportunity to break them up! Come oooon Dad! Don’t you want mum back?’ He gently placed a hand on Flowey’s mouth and asked: “Sans, what are you doing?” 

“I…” Sans was an expert at smooth talking his way out of trouble at work, but this didn’t feel like an employer reprimanding an employee for being tardy or breaking the rules. No, Sans thought as his body shook as though he had a beating heart, this moment reminded him much more of the talks Gaster would give him when he was still around. “I don’t know.”

However, Asgore didn’t scowl at him, cross his arms or lecture him about how irresponsible he was being.

“How about we go downstairs for a cup of tea? It’ll give you time to get your thoughts together and give the little one some time to mentally prepare for his date with Frisk.” Asgore said.

“It’s not a date, it’s a PLAY date. Get it right dad.” Flowey grumbled and Sans could swear those little yellow cheeks were turning a bright red, tomato colour. Sans bitterly thought to himself that it was a good thing the little flower was in denial about his feelings for Frisk, as he wasn’t so sure of his ability to break up couples anymore.

He reluctantly accepted Asgore’s offer.

 

* * *

 

 

“There you go my little buttercup.” Asgore said as he poured some camomile tea into Flowey’s roots. “It’s his favourite flavour. Helps with his anger problems too!”

“I don’t have anger problems!” Flowey bitterly pouted. “Can I have a biscuit too?”

“Of course you can.” Asgore smiled as he placed two of Flowey’s favourite chocolate chip cookies onto a plate and started to feed some tiny crumbs to him.

Sans resisted the urge to rub his eyes and gawk at the father and son duo, opting to quietly sip at his tea instead. He was against the idea of telling Asgore and Toriel that the Asriel they knew had become the flower demon from hell, but Frisk apparently knew better. Day by day, the demonic plant had seemingly given up his wicked ways under the pressure of parental love. It had taken quite a while for Toriel to accept that this was who her son was now, but now she allowed Flowey to stay over on the weekends as long as he solemnly swore he wouldn’t get up to no good.

That didn’t stop Frisk from being a bad influence though.

“Asgore…” Sans began. “Nah, never mind.”

 “No, please go on Sans.” Asgore said. “I promise I won’t be offended. Right, Flowey?” The tiny plant growled and glared at his step-dad skeleton, but before he took another bite of his sweet treat he acknowledged his father’s order with a nod. 

“Why do you trust this ankle biter not to take over your body and slaughter all the other monsters on the surface?” Sans returned the little plant’s glare. “I know he’s your son, but Papyrus still gets nightmares from you know when.”

Asgore fondly smiled into his cup as he gathered his thoughts, while Flowey played with his crumbs in what seemed like an attempt to not be hurt by his step-dad’s words.

“It’s probably the same reason you decided to trust Frisk.” Asgore said. “It was a risk to trust Flowey, but I am glad I took it because the rewards were huge.”

Sans thought, just for one second mind you, that Flowey’s reaction was cute. The little flower hid his face behind his petals, but you could still see a small sliver of a smile blossoming on his lips.

Another disturbing thought occurred to Sans.

“Frisk was like Flowey.” He gasped.

“Oh now Sans, I don’t think Frisk has ever been that violent!” Flowey joined his father in a hearty chuckle, but for a very different reason. Flowey, like Sans, knew the truth.  

Sans remembered how the little demon child from his past lives had come to wreak havoc upon the underground, until Toriel asked him to save the child no matter what happened. Sans knew the risk of letting a human have free reign in the underground meant but apparently it had paid off as now they were all free from their prison. That little leap of faith in a human soul saved everyone.

Sans and Toriel took a chance on a tiny little human, in the same way Asgore took a chance with his son. 

“Papyrus was taking a chance with Mettaton and I nearly ruined everything for him.” Sans shoulder’s started to shake and he buried his face in his bony hand. “I’m a horrible brother.”

“Yes, you are!” Flowey said as if they were discussing the weather or a new television programmed.

“Flowey, if you’re not going to be nice then you can wait outside in the garden until your mother comes. Do you want that?” the little flower shook his head. “Then apologise to Sans.”

“I’m sorry…” Flowey’s leaves wilted before he smirked. “That you tried to frame your brother for cheating!”

“Okay, you’re going outside for a time out.” Asgore picked up the flower, put him outside the window and closed it. He ignored the tiny little plant’s angry screams as he returned to his seat next to Sans. “Please accept my apologies on behalf of Asriel, I think he’s still a little bit insecure about his relationship with his mother. It’s understandable that a boy his age would be unhappy about his parents splitting up, but that’s no reason for him to take it out on you.”

Sans took a guilty sip of his cup. He sometimes forgot Flowey was a child trapped in a plant body and hadn’t really made an effort to open up to the kid. It was usually Toriel and Frisk who spent the most time with the wild flower.

“It’s okay.” Sans said. “He’s right. I am a horrible brother. I’ve done a lot of things to try and sabotage his relationship.”  

“Like messing with Mettaton’s cooking? And trashing the Burger Emporium?” Asgore laughed at Sans’ drooping jaw. “I had a hard time believing a robot could accidentally slip curry powder into a meal when Undyne told me. And although I’m not the king anymore, I still have eyes everywhere.”

‘This guy’s pretty slick.’ Sans thought to himself. “I’m losing my touch.”  

“Well of course, anyone would if they hadn’t been sleeping properly.”

“Toriel told you.” He didn’t even bother trying to hide how annoyed he was.

“Not told, just… hinted.” Asgore said. “To fill up those awkward silences and explain why she had bags under eyes, she mentioned that you have been keeping her up at night. I thought she was going to discuss something unsuitable for children, but I was shocked to learn that you had been having nightmares for a good couple of days now.”

“Well, surface living ain’t for everyone, eh?” Sans forced himself to give a hearty chuckle in order to create the impression that this wasn’t how he really felt. Asgore frowned. “Sometimes you miss the Underground.”

“I would have thought you would have loved the surface. When you first started working for me, getting to the surface and planning what you would do once you got there was all you could talk about.” Asgore hesitated. “That was before you saw things…”

The ex-monarch didn’t need to say more. Asgore may not have known about the SAVE function, but there were plenty of disturbing phenomena which lay beneath the surface of the Underground’s charming and sweet exterior. Sans had loved being a sentry and in his younger days had often bragged about his job to anyone who would listen, but he would not tell anyone how his job could quite literally physically and mentally destroy you if you weren’t strong enough or experienced enough to survive.  

This was why Sans was so damn thankful that Undyne kept Papyrus out of trouble with cooking lessons.

“After we escaped the Underground, I started talking to a therapist! She’s a very nice lady and although I don’t think she believes everything I have told her, talking about what happened made me feel a lot better!” Asgore smiled. “It felt like I had been bottling everything up inside until I told Louise about all my problems.”

“I don’t think Louise would understand or believe this problem.” After all, Sans can’t explain the unexplainable. “It’s better for everyone if I keep some things to myself.”

“You won’t know until you try Sans. Besides, is keeping your secret really in everyone’s best interests if it’s going to make them really unhappy?” Asgored asked. “I thought keeping Toriel in the dark about what I was doing would be better for our relationship but…”

 Sans didn’t hear anything after ‘but’ because he stopped breathing and realised something terrible.

“I’ve been a butt.”

“Now don’t be so hard on yourself-”

“No, Asgore, I’ve been a butt. And I’ve gotta stop being a butt before someone swipes my chair from underneath me.” Sans glugged down the rest of his tea and jumped from his stool. “Thanks for the drinks and snacks! I promise to do the dishes next time!”

Sans heard Asgore softly bid him goodbye, right before he yelled “Later, Asriel!”

The little skeleton huffed and puffed, deciding not to use his teleportation powers. If he was lucky, he would find Frisk, Toriel and Papyrus before they had figured out what he was doing. 


	8. Enemy No. 5: Sans Himself (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asgore talks to Toriel, Papyrus asks Mettaton a very important question and Sans realises that his secrets are destroying his relationships. Can he fix everything before it's too late?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally this was going to be one chapter, but I wanted to update this story before a month had passed from the last update, so here we go. The penultimate chapter! Probably!

“Psst. Psst.” Frisk put down their watering can to look at Sans, whose head was popped out from behind a bush. “Your mum home yet?”

They nodded.

“Is she really mad?”

Frisk nodded. Sans sighed.

“Then it’s time to get open and honest. Wish me luck, kid!” the skeleton gave a chuckle when Frisk placed a kiss on their cheek, before bopping him on the head. “Yeah… I’ve been really stupid. Sorry. I should have taken a page from your book! And I literally, took a page from your book!”

Frisk shook their head at the torn page from their diary, but wasn't really mad.

“Frisk? Frisk? Who are you talking to?” Frisk and Sans waved each other goodbye, before he disappeared on the spot. Frisk returned to Flowey and filled up his pot with their watering can. It was a good way to distract him, they thought. 

* * *

 

After Toriel apologised and paid for the damaged table at Mettaton’s Glamour Burger Emporium, she left Frisk with Flowey and Asgore.

“Where is he?! Don’t bother trying to hide him because I will hunt him down like a dog!”

“Now, Tori-”

“Don’t Tori me Asgore!” she snapped as flames blew from her nostrils. “Sans is in big trouble and he’s not going to get out of it by hiding!”

“That’s what I was going to say, he left a little while ago to find you.”  

“Hmph, to try and save his own skin I presume!”

“Toriel, Sans doesn’t have any skin, he’s a skeleton.”

Everyone in the room, including the children who had been at play while the grownups were talking, became silent. Asgore patted his brow with a handkerchief while his ex-wife glared at him.

“Are you trying to upset me?” Toriel placed her hands on her hips “You know it’s a bit late to develop a love for word play and puns now that we-”

Asgore tentatively placed a finger to Toriel’s lips.

“That’s why Sans is out there trying to find you. He wants to fix things before it’s too late.” He said, slowly removing his finger before his ex-wife bit it off. “Because he knows that right now he’s messing something up _really_ good.”

Toriel sighed and looked at her child Frisk, who was giving her an encouraging thumbs up.

“Asgore, please take care of Asriel and Frisk while I look for my third child.” She said. “And lecture Frisk on how naughty it is to eavesdrop.”

“Haha, Frisk is in trouble!”

“And tell Asriel that it’s not nice to gloat.”

“What? Mum, that’s not fair!” Flowey could be heard shrieking in the background.

“Yes it is darling, now stop that screaming and be a good boy for daddy and Frisk. Love you both!” Toriel blew Frisk and Flowey a kiss while a rosy-cheeked Frisk held Flowey in their arms, waving his little plant arm for him. “Oh and I put a snail pie in the oven for you Asgore, in case you don’t want to cook. I already paid Mettaton for a new table, so I don’t want to have to buy a new kitchen too.”

“That was one time!” Asgore cried.    

“Sure, sure!” Toriel barely waved at her ex-husband as she stormed off to find her current boyfriend. Not even the beautiful sunshine or the sound of birds singing could quell Toriel’s rage. Even though what Asgore said might have been true and Sans really was sorry, that didn’t just make everything okay!

“Your Highness! Your Highness – I mean Toriel! Toriel!” the former queen sighed. She so badly wanted to ignore Alphys and Undyne’s calls, but the fish and dinosaur monster were the only two gal pals she had and she didn’t think it was very becoming of a teacher to ignore others. She had to set an example, after all! “What is it now ladies? I’m _very_ busy.”

“Before you bite Sans’ head off, I want to say something.” Undyne huffed and puffed as she finally caught up with Toriel.  

* * *

 

“This revenge plan is going to be so delicious Papy.” Mettaton gave an evil, villainous and Oscar worthy chuckle while he browsed through his collection of torture devices. Deciding which weapon to use for his payback was going to be so hard! He needed something beautiful, but not too lethal as this was Papyrus’ brother after all and in spite of his appearance, Mettaton was more of a lover than fighter! “We’re gonna get him good Papy, we’re gonna get him good! Papy?”

The robot suddenly noticed that his skeleton boyfriend had been awfully quiet. He turned away from his lovely collection to see Papyrus sitting on his bed, frowning.

Well, Mettaton did not like that at all!

“Sugar skull, what’s wrong?” Mettaton immediately abandoned his toys to sit next to Papyrus and wrap his arms around him. His eyelashes fluttered in confusion. “Did I go too far? Oh Papy, you know I’d never really hurt Sans! I just want to give him a good fright!” 

“I know Mettaton. You’re a lover, not a fighter.” Mettaton nearly swooned when he heard those words from his boyfriend’s mouth but resisted the urge to kiss him when that temporary smile turned back into a frown. “It’s not you, it’s… It’s Sans. I thought of all the monsters in the Underworld, he respected me the most but after finding out that he’s been trying to sabotage this relationship behind my back… Well, it makes me feel like he doesn’t trust me anymore.”

Mettaton took this as a sign to pull his boyfriend even closer and nuzzle his cute little skull.

“You. Are. The. Smartest. Skeleton. I’ve. Ever. Met.” He said while peppering kisses all over Papyrus’s face. “You are so much more capable than monsters or humans give you credit for and the only reason Sans is doubting you is because he’s being a silly billy over his little brother getting his first boyfriend.”

“Don’t talk about my brother like that Metta!” Papyrus gasped but giggled when Mettaton blew a raspberry on his cheek. “I guess even my cool brother was due for a meltdown of this sort… When my dad disappeared, he took on a lot of responsibility but he never seemed to let it get him.”

“Well that is no excuse for the way he’s been acting!” Mettaton said. “I hope that when he’s better he will apologise to you.”

“Yeah…” Papyrus said, thinking. Before Mettaton could get up to continue his revenge plan, Papyrus grabbed the robot’s hand. “Mettaton, can I ask you something? I know we’ve only been courting a while, but The Great Papyrus would like to take another step in our relationship.”

From across the half of Mettaton’s apartment a little old landlady could hear a “OH YES, OH YES, OH YES!” before the sound of someone being tackled to the ground boomed throughout the entire floor.

“I’ve got to raise the rent.” She said before going back to reading her newspaper.

* * *

“You can spend all day defending Sans Undyne, but that doesn’t excuse what he’s done!” Toriel was seen walking away from Alphys and Undyne again. “A partnership can’t be built on lies and secrets!”

“Even if the secret is one of the most messed up crud any monster can think of? Even if it’s a secret you are _better off_ not knowing?”

“Exactly!”

“Well, what about Asgore? Everyone knows how you reacted when you finally found out about the plan to get out of the underground!” for the first time in a long time, Toriel’s fists were engulfed in fire.

“I hope you are not implying what I think you are implying Undyne!”

“That you get going when the going gets tough?” Undyne hissed before performing the most sarcastic curtsy she had ever performed in her life. “Not at all, Your Highness!”

“Oh that’s it, bring it on Undyne! BRING IT ON!”

“WITH PLEASURE, YOUR MAJESTY!”

“Oh gee wiz.” Alphys wheezed, watching as the queen’s flames on her fists grew two sizes larger and her girlfriend brandished her famous glowing spears. She had to think, think, think of a plan to break them apart or else the human version of the Royal Guard would come and arrest them all for disturbance of the peace. Alphys and Undyne had learned the hard way that battles that took place in the middle of a civilian population were unappreciated by human laws and customs. Undyne really couldn’t afford to get in trouble a second time! “Sans!”

Thankfully the blue skeleton appeared from nowhere, jumping down right in between Toriel and Undyne.

 “I hope you two aren’t having a catfight over me,” Sans said. “because that _fishy_ stuff isn’t for _kids_.”

Alphys swore that the bottom of her jaw was going to fall off when she saw Toriel literally laughing her ass off at the terrible, terrible use of wordplay.

She also swore that her eyes nearly popped out of her head when Undyne connected her fist to Sans’ face. Toriel cried his name as he went down with one punch, while Alphys rushed forward to clamp her arms around Undyne’s waist.

“Hey, hey, hey! Settle down! You don’t need to go to human jail again!”

“I do if he’s gonna make terrible animal puns at a time like this!”

“Undyne, listen-”

“No YOU listen Sans! This isn’t the time to be making puns or jokes when your relationship is on the line, especially after I’ve been defending you! Though I don’t know why I am even bothering trying to help save your relationship after you messed with MY food!”

Sans winced. She had figured it out.

“Undyne I’m sorry-”

“Shut it! It’s one thing to keep our secrets from somebody who is not a member of the royal guard or a royal scientist, but it’s screwed up when you can’t trust your comrade in arms or take advantage of them for your own sick game!” Undyne screamed. “Do you know I’d literally die a thousand deaths for Papyrus? Do you? Because you’re certainly not acting like it! If I had thought Mettaton was a threat to Papy, then there’s no way I’d have let him within an inch of that guy! But no, you do what you always do and go behind everyone’s back to fix things _alone_.”

Sans didn’t bother defending himself from accusations he knew to be true.

“You know what Toriel, forget what I said! If you wanna break up with Sans, you break up with Sans because it’s like you said! Relationships can’t be built on secrets and lies and it seems as though the same can be said for friendships!” Sans cringed when he saw Undyne scowling in an attempt to stop herself from crying. “Let’s go Alphys, I can’t look at this bag of bones.”

Alphys hesitated before following her burly girlfriend, mouthing a “sorry” before they headed back to their apartment, leaving Toriel to cradle Sans in her arms.

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eye!” Sans grinned, referring to the new little blue mark he had thanks to Undyne.

“Puns are not getting you out of this sticky situation.” Toriel referred to the blue blood that was coming out of Sans’ nose. She lifted her hand to fetch a handkerchief from her pocket, before Sans took her palm into his hands.

_“I know.”_ Sans said, dropping his happy act and caressing the goat lady’s thumb with his. “I’m sorry.”

Toriel smirked at the _real_ Sans, glad to see her boyfriend had finally come back to replace the sneaky little dickens who had been occupying her house the last couples of days.

“I know. But I’m not going to drop this just because you got injured. We need to talk about everything and I mean _everything_. Like how you were able to appear out of thin air just now.” She said as she let go of her boyfriend’s hand to get her handkerchief and wipe the blood from his face.

“That’s actually a _breathtakingly_ good story.” 

“Stop trying to get out of this with puns!” Sans chuckled before he took a sigh of relief.

He hadn’t messed everything up. This time _he wasn’t too late._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, Toriel meets her future in-law and Papyrus breaks the big news to Sans!


	9. Enemy No.5: Sans Himself (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sans finally releases a skeleton in his closet. Pun intended!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the final chapter and this time it's a long one.

“King Asgore? Have you seen where my brother went? The Great Papyrus needs to talk to him, it’s about something really important.” Papyrus arrived at Sans and Toriel’s house while holding the hand of a happy, blushing Mettaton.

“Uh…” Asgore hesitated as he turned on the oven for Toriel’s snail pie. “I think you should wait until he and Toriel come back. They need to have a _long_ talk about their relationship.”

“If I tell them the good news they won’t _need_ to talk about their relationship! They will see that The Great Papyrus is happy, safe and independent and then all their problems will go away!”

“Aw, Papyrus.” Asgore took off his oven gloves to place a hand on the young skeleton’s shoulder. “I’m afraid relationships aren’t always that simple.”

“But love is the simplest thing in the world!” Papyrus exclaimed, his grip on Mettaton’s hand tightening. This made the robot sigh dreamily and look at Papyrus like he was the sun and stars. “Surely they will work it out, especially with The Great Papyrus’ help!”

Asgore chuckled, admiring Papyrus’ optimism. Oh to be young again!

“I’m sure Toriel and Sans would appreciate your support, but sometimes in order to be supportive you have to take a step back and let your friends find a way to solve their own problems.” Asgore said. “While we’re waiting for them, why don’t you and Mettaton help set the table? I’ve got those skull cups you like.”

“OH WOWEE!” Papyrus squealed at Asgore’s collection. “MY FAVOURITE CUPS! METTATON, COME LOOK!”

“I can tell you’ve had a lot of practice dealing with children.” Mettaton smirked at Asgore. “You should give me some pointers before Papyrus and I have our own little robots.”

“Oh trust me I’m not that great, I’m dreading Asriel’s teen years. I can only hope he’ll be half as well behaved as Papyrus.” The king and robot chuckled while Papyrus set the table at lightning speed.     

* * *

Sans was thinking about about hot dogs, lazy sunny afternoons and playing ‘sexy, kung fu robots’ with Papyrus. He was also thinking about playing Papyrus’ crossword puzzle with Frisk and the first time he heard the little tyke laugh. Then images of Toriel laughing and running around in a flowery field in a bright yellow sun dress popped up in his head…

Before the image of his dad’s smiled appeared in his mind’s eye.

“Are you okay Sans?” Toriel rubbed a thumb on Sans’ hand, noticing how his grip has clung tightly to hers. “Maybe this isn’t a good idea. Maybe whatever you want to show me can wait until later? I don’t like the way you’re sweating.”

Sans gave a weak chuckle.

“Toriel, if I don’t do this now I might not ever have the guts to do it again.” Sans said. “Plus I owe you an explanation.”

“Oh _big_ time.” She laughed with him. “But maybe you’ll be more emotionally prepared if-”

“I don’t think I’ve ever been more emotionally prepared to be _this_ vulnerable with someone in my entire life.” Sans explained. “I haven’t even told Papyrus about it. If you could please humour me before I change my mind...”

Toriel stood there silently, having a good look at her boyfriend. He looked so tired and nervous and it made her want to bundle Sans in her arms and carry him home… but she had a feeling he needed to do this.

“Let’s go then.”

“Thank you.”  

* * *

“Where the hell have you taken me?” is what Toriel wanted to ask Sans as they entered the workshop hidden behind his old house in the Underground. However, some monsters and even humans believed that Toriel was a soft touch because she was a maternal figure and the monster who had used the least force when fighting Frisk. Deep down Toriel knew that not just anyone got to be the Queen of Underground, let alone Asgore’s queen, but in the interest of keeping everyone in the dark she kept her mouth shut.

That didn’t mean she wanted to be seen as cowardly though.  

“It sure is uh, dark down here.” Toriel said. “I hope this secret isn’t something super creepy!” She was about to say “because if it was I could totally handle it” but Sans beat her to the punch.  

“If it is, then you can break up with me.” he said. “I’ll stay with Grillby while you and Frisk find a place to stay.”

“Sans…” Toriel gasped. “I was joking.”

“Well, I’m not.”

“Do you really want to break up with me?” Toriel tried not to sob as she said that, but she was struggling. “Is that why you’ve been keeping secrets from me?”

“What?” Sans nearly dropped the flashlight he was holding before he stopped and turned around to face Toriel. “No? No! Toriel I love you! Aww come on Tori, please don’t cry!”

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better!” Toriel hated herself for crying, but she honestly couldn’t help it. “If you want to end this relationship right now Sans, then at least have the guts to end it yourself!”

“Toriel, I’ve been keeping secrets because I _don’t_ want to end this relationship!”

“So you’re hoping that this horrible secret you have will end this relationship?”

“No!” Sans shouted. “No, no, no! I’m hoping that you’ll _want_ to stick around in spite of the super creepy secret but knowing how things usually turn out for me, I’m not getting my hopes up. _So many_ great things have happened lately that it’s only a matter of time before something _really bad_ comes and ruins everything! And I’m back to square one! For the millionth time in my life!”

The couple stood there quietly for several minutes. Toriel sniffed back her tears and blew her nose on a handkerchief. 

“Sans, why couldn’t you have told me this before?”

“Because before I didn’t even think you’d come down here.” Sans said. “I honestly don’t know what I’ve done to deserve a girl that would come this far with me.”

“I should be insulted that you think I’m a soft touch but…” Toriel smiled. “I’m not.”

Sans started up at the goat lady and thought _‘I really don’t deserve her.’_

Sans pointed the flashlight back at the dark tunnel ahead of them, took Toriel’s hand again and hoped the woman hadn’t noticed how blue his cheeks were.

_‘Please don’t get scared and run away, please don’t get scared and run away.’_

“You are anything but a soft touch Tori.” Sans smiled. “The stuff you told me when you were a voice behind a door showed me that.” 

* * *

“Who’s this handsome looker?” After Mettaton helped set the table, he decided to nose through the Bone Brothers’ personal items. He drew Papyrus’ attention to what appeared to be a family portrait. “I can see where you got your good looks from.”

“Are you doing that thing where you pretend to not know things to give sneaky compliments Mettaton?”

“Yes.”

“Oh I love it!” Papyrus went nyeh-heh and blushed at Mettaton’s saucy little wink. “I think Sans looks more like him though.”

“He certainly has Sans’ grin.” Mettaton said, stroking his chin. “But you have his eyes. _Beautiful_ eyes.” Mettaton meant it too. Papyrus and Papyrus’ father had a happy glint.

“Cut it out Mettaton, dad might get mad!” the skeleton squealed, shielding them from the ‘accusing’ look in the picture’s eyes.

“Well I’ll just have to find a way to charm my way into his heart!” Metaton smirked, flipping his hair. “After all, _everyone_ loves me. Well, almost everyone.”

“Do you think my dad would be okay with us? Being together, I mean?” Papyrus asked. “I mean The Great Papyrus doesn’t care what anyone else thinks, but The Great Papyrus has never met his father, so…”

“I think he’d be _ecstatic_.” Mettaton grinned. “And if he wasn’t, I would just have to work extra hard to make him like me.”

Papyrus returned the smile and gave the robot a peck on the cheek. 

“I love you Mettaton.”

“I love you too Sugar Skull.”

* * *

“This may be a dumb thing to say, but don’t be afraid.” Sans told Toriel before they reached a grey door. “The guy I am going to introduce to you may look scary on the outside, but on the inside he’s just like you or me.”

“And this guy is?”

“You’ll see.” Toriel took a deep breath and decided to trust Sans. His bony hand reached for the nob and opened the door, effortlessly prying the entrance open without a key. Toriel would ask questions about that later, but she concentrated on the           grey, bland room they were about to enter. It was nothing like the dark, shadowy room she pictured in her mind’s eye but the lack of colour was disturbing nonetheless.

The goat lady felt her heart pounding on her rib cage as she let her boyfriend lead her inside…

And her heart felt like it was going to burst from her chest at the sight of a small, creepy skeleton staring at her with vacant, soulless eyes. She wanted to scream at the sight of the humped back demon cloaked in black and run all the way back to the surface and not stop until she was safe behind closed doors.

Sans hand was all that kept her from giving in to hysteria.

“Hi Gaster! Long time, no see! I’m sorry I haven’t visited in a while. Things have been kind of crazy on the surface.” Sans gave the little creature a genuine smile that reminded Toriel of the way he looked at Papyrus or Frisk. When he got Gaster’s attention, Sans coughed nervously. “Gaster this is Toriel, my girlfriend. I’ve told you a lot about her and I decided it’s time you finally got to meet her.”

Toriel nearly squeaked when she saw Gaster _smile_.

“Toriel this is Gaster, former Royal scientist and my dad.” Toriel didn’t want to believe that this was the great W.D. Gaster, a man who inspired many followers and created the Underground’s core, but she trusted Sans was telling the truth.

In an attempt to hide her shock, she said the first thing that came out of her mouth.

“Ice to meet you!”

There was an awkward silence. Gaster looked to Sans for an explanation.

“Okay no, um, what a grey day?” Toriel said referring to the décor. Still no response from Sans or Gaster.

“Okay, if you don’t like that one-” 

This time Toriel did squeak when she heard something akin to laughter coming out of Gaster’s smiling mouth.

“Didn’t I tell you she was funny?” Sans said as he put a hand on Gaster’s shoulder. “Well, maybe you already know that. I don’t know if you still remember her from when she was still the Queen…”

Gaster started talking in a language Toriel didn’t recognise while his hands did these really strange gestures.

“You do remember her? From her wedding day?” Sans smiled. “Dad says that you looked lovely.”

“Why… I… Uh, thank you?” Toriel said. She felt extremely guilty when Gaster chuckled again, this time with a tint of blue in his cheeks. Now she knew where Sans had gotten his laugh from. She could listen to that laugh all day. “You always looked nice in your little blue suit too.”

Gaster started making hand signs again.

“What’s he saying? I’m sorry, I don’t speak hands.” Toriel said.

Sans took a deep breath before answering, but didn’t take his eyes off of his father.

“He says you’re even lovelier in person and he’s sorry he didn’t get a chance to meet you properly before now. He says that while he’s sad things between you and Asgore didn’t work out, he’s so happy you and I are dating. He wishes he could say thank you for taking care of my son, but a cat has got his tongue… Dad!” Father and son started giggling. “I’m the _punny_ one in this family!”

And that was where it went all downhill for Toriel there.

Don’t get her wrong. She was mad, mad as hell at Sans for lying and keeping secrets from her, even if it may have been for a good reason!

But oh, that laugh…

It made her remember why she fell for Sans in the first place. That voice behind the door was one of the reasons she had refused to give up on life.

“Toriel is staring because she sometimes wonders how she ended up with an ugly skeleton like me.” Sans told his father.

“Oh hush, you know that’s the opposite of the truth!” she huffed and turned away from the father and son pair, only to be frightened by the sight of a little grey monster running around her feet!

“Asgore’s beard!”

“Sorry, sorry! That’s uh, one of dad’s followers. He says hi!” Sans tried not to laugh at Toriel, who was clinging onto his arm for dear life while Gaster shooed the little creature away.

More of Gaster’s ‘followers’ came to gawk at Sans and Toriel again, while Sans and Gaster were discussing some pressing issues.

“Papyrus has… started dating. A dude.” Gaster’s smile didn’t move an inch from his face. Toriel took that as a good sign. “A dude named Mettaton.”

This new information however, made the mysterious man frown and make annoyed grumbling noises.

“I know dad, I know. Usually I’d get rid of the problem with a gaster blaster, but this time it’s different. Very _different_. It’s like Mettaton isn’t the same monster he was in the previous timelines and the same thing can be said for the other monsters too. I don’t know what’s going on.” Sans groaned and pinched he bridge of his nose. “I’m not sure whether I should trust Papyrus’ intuition or intervene somehow…”

“Timelines? Not the same monster? What in the Underground are you two talking about?”

The bottom of Gaster’s mouth looked like it was ready to hit the floor before he crossed his arms and glared at Sans in a “son-I’m-so-disappointed” kind of stare. He started making hand signs again, but this time in an angry flurry.

“Well no I haven’t told her yet but, Dad, please listen to me! Dad!” Sans sighed as the older skeleton kept signing. “I do trust Toriel, but you know how hard this has been on our family…”

Gaster sighed and wrapped his arms around Sans. For the first time since Toriel arrived, Gaster somehow looked bigger than Sans. The younger skeleton leaned into the older skeleton and sighed.

“Yes, I made a mistake. Yes, I should have come to talk to you first. I should have talked to Toriel first. Heck, I should have talked to my baby brother first.” Sans snickered before frowning. “I’ve been dealing with this new reality by myself for _so long_ that I forgot how to ask for help.”

“Sweetie, what reality?” Toriel reached out and held Sans hand. “I’m here now. You can talk to me. Nothing you say will leave this room, unless you want it to.”

And with Toriel’s words, it felt like a weight had been lifted from Sans’ shoulders.

“Okay, so it happened after Asgore killed the first child…”

* * *

“Sans? Sans you’re back!” Sans chuckled as Frisk and Papyrus leapt towards him. It reminded him of that time when Toriel and him went on a human cruise for a week and Papyrus broke the door down to give him a big ‘welcome home’ hug. Except this time his brother’s embrace was quite _bone-crushing_. Get it? “I’m so happy you’re home, I’ve got big news!”

“Yeah… Yeah, me too Pap.” Sans said, feeling tearful. “Listen bro-”

“No, no, me first! You kept me waiting so letting me go first is the LEAST you can do!” Sans sighed, knowing he was not going to win. Papyrus gave his brother a big, big grin and gestured for Mettaton to come over. He came over looking unusually bashful. “Mettaton and I have taken the next big step in our relationship!”

In his mind’s eye Sans could see Toriel bite her lip in an attempt to quell her laughter, but she couldn’t help burst into giggles when she saw Sans’ jaw drop in the same comedic fashion as his father’s famous expression. Only this time Sans’ eyes were bulging out of his head at the sight of Papyrus showing him a rock the size of his fist on Mettaton’s finger.

“WHOA!” Sans cried. “WHOA!”

“I know, right?”

“Pap-”

“We’re so happy-”

“Pap-”

“Mettaton did his famous ‘OH YES’ when I popped the question-”

“Papy-”

“We went looking for new apartments today-”

“Papyrus-”

“Should we get pink or red curtains Sans? Mettaton is partial to pink-”

“PAPYRUS CHRIS COSTELLO FONT!”

“Ooooh, he middle-named him!” Flowey said while Frisk fed him some popcorn. Toriel shook her head at her son’s behaviour while Asgore told him to ‘settle down honey.’ Everyone else watched in silence as Sans’ chest heaved up and down.

“I’m sorry for yelling Papy, I really am, but you’ve got to slow down a bit.” Sans took deep, calming breathes just like Toriel told him to but a loud, eerie voice inside his head was goading him to put the final nail in the coffin for Papyrus and Mettaton’s relationship. It was the perfect chance! Throw a huge tantrum, make Pap feel guilty for even SUGGESTING the idea of marriage and watch as Mettaton storms out the house leaving Sans to pick up the pieces. “Papyrus…”

Sans felt a reassuring hand on his shoulder. He looked up into Toriel’s beautiful brown eyes. They reminded him of chestnuts.

“Just tell him what you told me.” Toriel gently said.

Oh, the image of Toriel’s lovely eyes were definitely going into Sans’ list of ‘images to think about while having a panic attack’ list because they head locked the eerie voice inside Sans’ head and screamed ‘get dunked on!’ It was a _slam dunk_ victory on Toriel’s part.  

“Papyrus, I love you. And I’m sorry for trying to sabotage your relationship with Mettaton. I was the one who wrote all those bad things in his Burger Emporium and I was the one who put spicy curry powder in Undyne’s food. I was even going to put one of Toriel’s earrings in your bed so Mettaton would think you were cheating.” Sans said, not daring to look his brother in the eye as he finally confessed his crimes.

“But if Mettaton loves you and makes you happy I will do everything in my power to support you because I have realised that I have been a grade A bonehead.”

“Sans!” Papyrus groaned at the pun.  

“Sorry,” he chuckled before taking his younger brother’s hand. “I meant it. You don’t have to get married to prove how committed you are to each other.”

“Eh?” Papyrus cried.

“I can already see how good you two are together.”

“Eh?”

“I just didn’t want to see it because I assumed I knew what Mettaton was all about.”

“Eh?” Papyrus said again, but this time his boyfriend had joined him.

“But in the past few days he has really proven himself.”  

“Uh-”

“So if you two want to get married that’s fine.”

“Um-”

“But don’t do it to prove a point to me-”

“Sans-”

“Marriage is a big deal and it’s not something you enter into without making sure you’re incredibly compatible, no offence Asgore and Tori.”

“None taken.”

“Sans, hold the phone!”

“I am holding a phone and I can call a florist if you like!" Sans smirked as he brandished his mobile phone. "She’ll give me a discount because I saved her cat that one time-”

“SANS VINCENT CONNARE FONT!” it was Sans’ turned to be gobsmacked by the use of his full name.

“GET DUNKED ON!” Flowey cackled in the background. Frisk shut him up by shoving more popcorn into his mouth.

“Sans, take it easy! Mettaton and I are not getting married! We aren’t even thinking about marriage or babies yet!”

“Y-yeah! Take it easy tiger.” Mettaton was sweating a lot of oil and grease and was looking anywhere but Asgore’s direction. The ex-king smirked. “No one’s thinking about having Papy’s babies, no sir…”

“I gave Mettaton a ring to symbolise my commitment to living with him! That’s it!” Papyrus explained. “It’s a custom among humans to give their partner a ring when they move into their first apartment together!”

“No it’s not, weenie!” Flowey said and Frisk shook her head in agreement. “Humans give rings when they get married!”

“Nuh-ah!”

“Ah-huh!”   

“Nuh-ah!”

“Ah-huh!”   

“Nuh-ah!”

“Ah-huh!”   

“Nuh-ah!”

“Ah-huh!”   

“Asgore, tell Flowey he’s wrong!” Papyrus crossed his arms and pouted. “Tell him that’s what humans do when they move in together!”

“Actually Papyrus, Flowey is right. I asked Louise about her ring and she said she and her spouse have been married for twenty-five years.” Asgore said.

Papyrus opened his mouth to make a retort, but was stumped. Frisk wrote him a sign that said ‘you tried.’

“Well, what a fantastic misunderstanding!” Papyrus said before smiling down at Sans. “But I’m glad to know that if I were to be wedded, I’d have my brother’s support.”

“So… you forgive me?”

“Of course.” And with that, Papyrus enveloped his brother in a hug. “If Mettaton’s okay with it though.”

“Oh yeah…” Sans let go of his brother and scratched the back of his skull. Blushing blue as a bird he approached Mettaton. “I’m sorry for acting like a jerk. Thanks for not letting it get in the way of you and Pap?”

Sans did not like the way Mettaton was looming over him.

“Hmm while you DID hurt my feelings Sansy, I’ll forgive you! On one condition!” Mettaton smirked and did a fantastic twirl. “NINETY-NINE DOUBLE DATES AND A PROPOSAL! MY NEW REALITY SHOW! IF I AND PAP GO ON NINETY-NINE DOUBLE DATES WITH YOU AND THE LOVELY TORIEL, I GET TO POP THE BIG QUESTION TO PAP!”

“Mettaton? Proposing, to me?” Papyrus gasped like he had just made the royal guard.

“You got it baby.” Mettaton winked at Papyrus before staring at Sans. “Sans?”

Ugh. This robot wasn’t evil, but he sure was diabolical.

_Of course_ he waited until Sans showed his true colours before asking for Papyrus’ hand.

The voice in his head said ‘finish him, finish him!’ and ‘kids like him should be burning in hell’ but Sans shook it off.

“Fine, but only if it’s a _nice and long_ courtship where Papy and you can get to really know each other before getting married.” If Sans had a human soul it would have curled up and died at the words ‘nice and long,’ but seeing his brother leap into the air with a ‘yay!’ and fall into Mettaton’s arms made him happy.

Thank goodness he had his own pair of arms to fall into.

“Aren’t you going to tell him?” Toriel whispered into Sans’ ear while the others congratulated the other couple.

“Later, I promise. Right now I’m just going to let him be happy.” Sans said. “In the meantime I can figure out a way to tell him all about this complicated, weird stuff. _We’ll_ think of something. Together.”

“Indeed we will.” Sans gave a happy sigh as Toriel kissed him on the forehead.   

He realised that he was truly a fool. It wasn’t Papyrus that needed saving, it was him.

Toriel was the knight in shining armour he didn’t know he had been looking for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who ever commented or left kudos on this fanfic. I honestly did not expect this story to be so popular or so well-liked by so many people but I'm very happy that it's brought a little enjoyment into your lives. This was originally going to be a 100 word a chapter series documenting Sans' silly and fruitless attempts to break up Papyton, but the story took on a life of itself thanks to the encouragement of my readers. 
> 
> Will I write 'Ninety-Nine Dates and a Proposal?' 
> 
> Probably not any time soon since there is still another fanfic I want to finish and I've been severely neglecting my original fiction, but perhaps someday I will tighten up the loose strings left in this fanfic when I feel I am confident enough to take on a story that large. 
> 
> Until then, thank you and goodnight! It's been a pleasure, Undertale fandom.

**Author's Note:**

> Having knowledge of so many timelines probably hardcore sucks. 
> 
> I promise the next 4 chapters will be light/funny but for now, you get angst and soriel fluff.


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